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2KOOL STANGERS - Joke Thread


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#1 Mustang: Ride The Horse

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Posted 15 November 2004 - 09:26 AM

banana.gif The husband had just finished his book "Man of the house."
He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing
a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the
man of this house, and my word is law!" I want you to prepare me a gourmet
meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous
dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?
His wife replied, "The f***in funeral director."
banana.gif
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#2 bottlfed

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Posted 15 November 2004 - 12:14 PM

NICE!!!!!! sign_beer.gif

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Posted 15 November 2004 - 12:20 PM

ya... I liked that one 2

Keep em come'n, just keep'em in good taste as we could have some young readers.

#4 Gixxer750

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Posted 15 November 2004 - 01:14 PM

May be pushing it with this one :) IF so feel free to edit.





Official Announcement:

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that."
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#5 Mustang: Ride The Horse

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Posted 15 November 2004 - 01:23 PM

THAT SAYS IT ALL :nice: WE ARE ALL GETTING bigfinger.gif :rofl rollinglaugh.gif
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#6 Mustang: Ride The Horse

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Posted 15 November 2004 - 04:07 PM

:rofl smiley-faces7.gif rollinglaugh.gif

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#7 Gixxer750

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Posted 15 November 2004 - 04:50 PM

Most of you have probably seen this one .........



The Guys' Rules


We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the
rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all
numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining
about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say
it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant it the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1 . Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
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#8 5literttop

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Posted 15 November 2004 - 06:49 PM

Thats some good quality stuff! cheers.gif

#9 Mustang: Ride The Horse

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Posted 16 November 2004 - 11:07 AM

DUCT TAPE
(Contrary to popular belief, is not good for fixing everything!)

Paul walks into a bar and sees his friend Jeff slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Jeff what's wrong.
"Well," replies Jeff, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but every time I saw her I got an erection?"
"Yes," replies Paul with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Paul, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Jeff, "but I was worried I'd get an
erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if
I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Paul.
"So I get to her door," says Jeff, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"

"I kicked her in the face."
rollinglaugh.gif
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#10 Gixxer750

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Posted 17 November 2004 - 05:41 PM

:P

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#11 Gixxer750

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Posted 17 November 2004 - 05:43 PM

:lol:

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#12 Gixxer750

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Posted 17 November 2004 - 05:45 PM

Gary Larsen rocks!!! buttrock.gif

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#13 Mustang: Ride The Horse

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Posted 19 November 2004 - 09:07 AM

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his
friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance,
he would always reply, "It could have been worse."
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation
so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about
Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on him self!"
"That's awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."
"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it have been worse?"

"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"
coolani.gif
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Posted 19 November 2004 - 09:52 AM

rollinglaugh.gif

#15 Mustang: Ride The Horse

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Posted 19 November 2004 - 05:38 PM

LAW ENFORCEMENT wtf.gif :rofl

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#16 Gixxer750

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Posted 19 November 2004 - 08:59 PM

I'd run him :lol:















and wind up in jail sign_beer.gif
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#17 Guest_Spenc_*

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Posted 19 November 2004 - 10:36 PM

AGAIN! with the knockers already!! Would someone please harness those with 'something' ??

If they come out of there, 'someone' is going to get seriously injured!

#18 Gixxer750

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Posted 19 November 2004 - 10:44 PM

It's like that Cheese Whiz commercial



You know you WAAAAAAAAAAAAANT it :lol:
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#19 Guest_Spenc_*

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Posted 19 November 2004 - 10:46 PM

Ya 'whatever'

I'm not buy'n it! They're all trouble cool.gif

#20 Mustang: Ride The Horse

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Posted 20 November 2004 - 09:39 AM

They're Like The Campbell Soup Commercial

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM GOOD
joy.gif

You Know Spenc The "Hungry Man's Meal" rollinglaugh.gif tease.gif rollinglaugh.gif

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#21 Mustang: Ride The Horse

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Posted 20 November 2004 - 09:41 AM

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, then demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.
rollinglaugh.gif coolani.gif rollinglaugh.gif
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#22 Gixxer750

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Posted 20 November 2004 - 10:54 AM

AS I MATURE:

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are
more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at
first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones just never go away.
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#23 Gixxer750

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Posted 20 November 2004 - 11:00 AM

For all the difficult people in your life


:lol:

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#24 Gixxer750

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Posted 20 November 2004 - 11:05 AM

Once again I may be pushing the limits here for our younger readers. (i.e Spenc) rollinglaugh.gif

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens.

When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. "Henry", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.

The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Henry, you'll kill yourself." But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry.

The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy."

"Shhhhh," Henry whispered, "The buzzard is getting closer."
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#25 Gixxer750

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Posted 20 November 2004 - 11:08 AM

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His
father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford
it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door
with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little
Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night & heard you
telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait
because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by
myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bike!"
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#26 Mustang: Ride The Horse

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Posted 20 November 2004 - 11:13 AM

too_cool.gif thinksnow.gif too_cool.gif :rofl rollinglaugh.gif
Straight lines are for cars.
Corners are for drivers!!!

#27 Guest_Spenc_*

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Posted 20 November 2004 - 12:42 PM

Seriously... that's some funny shyt!.. still laughing ova heeee

#28 Mustang: Ride The Horse

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Posted 20 November 2004 - 02:49 PM

banana.gif A couple of women were playing golf one Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, ooooh, noooo, I'll be all right. I will be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side. She loosened his pants and put her hands inside. After a short massage, she asked him, "How does that feel?"
He replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
banana.gif
Straight lines are for cars.
Corners are for drivers!!!

#29 Mustang: Ride The Horse

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Posted 20 November 2004 - 02:52 PM

frech11.gif This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"
She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."
Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"
She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"
The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."
Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you asking so many questions today?"
frech11.gif
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#30 Mustang: Ride The Horse

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Posted 22 November 2004 - 08:35 AM

A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday morning. Suddenly, he is knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holding a frying pan in hand.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Daisy; written on it?" his wife demanded.
"Oh honey, don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Daisy was the name of the horse I bet on," explained the husband.
The wife was satisfied, and apologized for bonking him.
Three days later he is again sitting reading the paper when, once again, he is bonked on the head with the frying pan.
"What's that for this time?" he asked as he felt the bump rising on his head.
"Your horse called," said his wife.
wacko.gif
Straight lines are for cars.
Corners are for drivers!!!